Dave does a MySpace questionnaire for girls. Results: predictable

Year 2008, Day #363: Dave attempts to fill in one of those weird, bafflingly personal/impersonal MySpace questionnaires without breaking character, or lying to make himself seem Super Awesome.

Who do you text the most?
I couldn't work this out, so a cursory glance at my Inbox would suggest an equal tie between Dave George, Duncan and Mike 1.

Do you wish you had smaller feet?
No

Has a rumor been spread about you?
Yes, but not for over 5 years.

Are you a gullible person?
Yes

Are you easy to get along with?
Hopefully, that's the goal anyway.

When you're walking, do you stop to drink?
No, nor vice versa.

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
No

Are you in a complicated relationship?
Relationships between humans are never simple.

Do you hate more than 3 people?
Yes, but not too many more. No one I can't easily avoid, thereby saving myself the trouble of actively hating them.

Are you too forgiving?
No. People ought to be more forgiving anyway.

Do you like your hair color?
Yes, could be straighter though. You can't enjoy heavy metal to its fullest with a shaven head.

Name 3 people who you talked to today?
Parents, colleague Ken

What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Sleeping

Last person you talked to on the phone?
Branch Manager of Interlink Express depot in Slough.

Do any of your friends have children?
Yes

Are you wearing make up?
No.*

When was the last time you spoke to someone you dont like?
Saturday

Has a boy/girl ever called you baby?
Not seriously, honeybunch.

Have you ever kissed on a boat?
No, although I did stalk on a ferry.

What bed did you sleep in last night?
Mine

Have you held hands with anybody in the past week?
No

Do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and you're sure they won' t tell?
Difficult question. I think my friends are decent enough to know what they can "tell" and what they can't, but the best way to ensure people don't repeat things is to not tell anyone in the first place.

Do you want kids?
I could probably handle it, I would likely enjoy it a lot, but "want" is not a word I would use.

Did you go out or stay in last night?
Stayed in

Do you like to text or call more?
About the same

Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
I can't be my "complete self" at work, but anywhere else and in any other company - yes, lots of people.

Looking back in time did you ever waste your time on a certain boy/girl?
Pass. No time is truly wasted anyway.

Have you ever had a really big fight with your best friend?
No, but I don't have a best friend either.

Can you touch your toes?
Fucking no chance.

Would you kiss anyone on your top friends?
Probably, but not in any serious way.

Do you say sorry first?
Before what? Excuse my childlike innocence.

Has someone promised you something and broke it?
Yes, but such is the nature of people. I've never made anyone promise anything that would destroy me if it were broken.

Have you ever been cheated on?
I can answer "no" with more confidence than most people.

Who was your last text from?
I can't remember.

Last time somebody hurt you physically?
The lead singer from Mob Rules elbowed me in the face a few weeks ago.

Butter, plain, or salted popcorn?
Butter

Will you be in bed within twenty minutes?
No

Would you rather be a fish or a bird?
I already can swim and don't much care for it. Flying would be awesome though, so a bird.

Is there a girl that knows everything or mostly everything about you?
No

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
Exactly the same, minus one drummer and with slightly blacker lungs.

In the past week have you cried?
No

Who was the last person you were in a car with except for family?
Dave George, Mark and James W.

Is it easy for someone to make you smile?
Yes, very. Yet I apparently have a reputation for being a miserable bastard, which I resent slightly.

Meet anyone new this year?
Of course. If you've stopped meeting new people you might as well stop getting out of bed in the morning.

Have you ever told anyone you were OK when you really weren’t?
Yes

Do you think anyone in general out there loves you?
My parents and my nan I'm sure. Also, "in general" serves no purpose in the above sentence.

If you could change your eye color would you?
No, there's nothing wrong with brown eyes.

Can a girl and a boy be best friends without having feelings for each other?
Yes. Mulder and Scully managed it perfectly well, if you exclude how she was artificially inseminated with Mulder's sperm but it turned out the baby might not have been his because it was actually an Alien-Human Hybrid/Supersoldier with telekenetic powers.

Have you ever dated someone to get back at someone else?
No, though I'm sure it would be fun if I was a bit of a cunt.

Last boy in your room?
Mike 1 came over before we went to see ISIS.

Are you close to your mum?
I suppose so. We argue constantly, but it never really amounts to much.

Do you wear your feelings all over your face?
Hopefully not.

Have you ever dated someone twice?
No

Does it bother you when people hate you?
Yes, intensely.

When did you last hit rock bottom?
Christmas '05 to Spring '06 I can hardly remember.

Do you think abortions are horrible?
Biologically yes, they're pretty gnarly and I wouldn't want to do one myself. But morally... ultimately, there's nothing to say because it will never be a choice I'll have to make.

What do you think of people who do drugs?
They have the best stories and are usually more awesome than me.

Why did your last relationship end?
For further details, see the lyrics to "I Know It's Over" by The Smiths, and insert more dick jokes.

Have you kissed more than 10 people in 2008?
I doubt it.

What deadly sin are you most guilty of?
Sloth is top, with Envy shoulder-barging Gluttony for the 2nd place.

What do you want right now?
Happiness, Love and Comradeship, but there is a very nice looking cheese baguette in the fridge that will do for now.

Does anyone hate you?
Yes, a few people. But they're up their own arses anyway.

Have you ever lost someone in your family?
Not immediate family, but yes - two grandparents and an aunt.

Do you have any secrets?
Yes, lots.

Have you ever touched an elephant before?
Yes. When I was younger on holiday in Greece, a circus set itself up next to the hotel and tied its elephant up outside. They let it off for a walk at some point too.

Do you believe girls fight too much?
Wouldn't know. As a generalisation, they over-analyse.

Have you ever walked in on people having sex?
No, but I've already been in the room before they started a couple of times. Also I did barge in on a couple having sex so I could retrieve my lager from next to the bed.

What would you like to say to the first person you kissed this year?
It will have been either a family member or a mate, so I'm not sure.

Do you find it in your heart to forgive?
Yes, but no one's properly shat on my soul as yet.

Do you think the drinking age should be lowered to 16?
No, it would be chaos.

Ever kissed someone else's girlfriend/boyfriend?
I don't just go around kissing everybody and making notes, who the fuck wrote this shit**?

What's a fact about the last person who was the opposite sex, who had their arms around you?
I'm not sure. It was probably on Saturday at some point, but I don't know who.

What do you currently hear right now?
Fan heaters and typing

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Christmas Day from my aunt.

What are your chances of getting with the person you like?
Low, I suppose.

Could you go a day without eating?
I doubt it

What was the reason you got grounded for last?
I'm 22 for crying out loud.

Do you know anyone that smokes weed?
Yes.

Do you still talk to the person you last dated?
I don't "date" people, and even if I did I wouldn't call it "dating".

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a C?
Yes

When it comes to the opposite sex, what's your "type"?
I'm not sure, there are many levels of expectation and preference depending on what you're actually looking for. Many will humour a horrible slag just for some quick sex, which I wouldn't do. Many will ignore those they find most beautiful because they themselves are not beautiful enough to succeed, which is a shame and somewhat self-defeating. Other people think human relationships are nothing more than an S&M Bar tarted up as a Circus disguised as Real Life, and end up on the internet shagging an exhaust pipe or picking shards of glass out of their own anus. I'm just thankful I fall into none of those groups, and the jury is still out on what exactly is "my type".

Where is the furthest place you've travelled?
Tampa Bay, Florida

How long does it take you to shower?
5-10 minutes

What was the last thing that you drank?
Coffee

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
A gig to play tonight, in the middle of a tour. And someone to come with me.

Does anyone love you?
Hasn't this question already been asked?

How has this week been?
It's Monday afternoon, so if we're counting last week then it's been excellent. Good food, good tunes, good times, good people. What else could I need?

Does the last person you shared a bed with mean anything to you?
It was Dave George.

Do you curse in front of your parents?
About a tenth of the amount I curse in front of others, but yes I do.

Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
Er... probably?

Did anyone see you kiss that last person you kissed?
Yes

When a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?
No one has cut their ties with me acrimoniously as far as I know, but many friends have up and left town. They seem perfectly happy where they are and I don't sit around wailing over their absence, but I always stay in contact.

Have you ever fell asleep in someones arms?
Outside of infancy, no.

What are you doing tonight?
Curry at the new restaurant in Totteridge, then over to Gemma's flat for a get-together of some kind.

Who are two girls you trust most?
Oooh... shit, tough question. Trust with what? Information, possessions, my life?? A couple of my mates' girlfriends are quite trustworthy and they know me pretty well. Hold up, this quiz is actually for girls isn't it***?

Can you fill this out without lying?
Yes, but not without avoiding some questions.

What are you doing now?
Shirking

When is your birthday?
December 6th

Who was the last person you took a picture with?
The end of Saturday has blurred edges.

What are you listening to?
Nothing right now, but this morning I put on "Blues For The Red Sun" by Kyuss in the car.

Is anything bothering you right now?
Many things, mainly where I'll be in six months time and what will be happening in my life.

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than in your bed?
Sofa bed at Ryan's house, next to Dave George.

What's the very first thing you do when you wake up?
Try to go back to sleep in vain.

*Here I began to suspect it may not be a unisex questionnaire.
**This should have been where it became obvious.
***The penny drops.

ATP Nightmare Before Christmas gig report: curated by Melvins and Mike Patton

It's been less that a couple of weeks since I got back from the Melvins/Patton-curated All Tomorrow's Parties, and I still haven't quite recovered from the sheer awesomeness of the event, as well as the reckless abandon with which we treated our chalets, eardrums, immune systems and body clocks. There was enough going on for me to write a whole book about, but this is (honestly) the Short Version, leaving out anything irrelevant or long since forgotten:

The journey was straightforward, clear sky etc. Homemade Somerset Chili Burger at a roadside trailer for breakfast, and a cup of tea. I took a bag of CDs along for the journey without recalling that J, the driver, has possibly the best MP3 Player contents in the world, and so most of my contributions were superfluous. We pulled up listening to 'Rembrandt Pussyhorse' and some Hellboy courtesy of Dubya. I was dismayed to find that our chalet had no living room and only one wooden chair, so we headed immediately to the Irish Bar, then for another in the main pavilion next to who may or may not have been two-thirds of Teenage Jesus. After another two drinks and some ill-advised shots in the Pool Bar, we decided to go for pizza. Walking out of the bar, I was bemused to recognise something from Rolo Tomassi's 'Hysterics' from the speakers. This certainly was ATP.

We headed to the Centre Stage, a wide and impossibly dark venue, for Melvins 1983. I enjoyed this set, but it could have been better in all honesty. It was short, and the band (& soundman) only really geared up in the second half. 'Snake Appeal' got people moving, and the last song was great.

I caught Madlove next having not read the booklet blurb on this band, so I was expecting something not so straight once I knew it was Trevor Dunn's project. It was decent, interesting Alt Rock stuff and it came off well live.

Since we'd been drinking with serious intent from about 1.00pm, by this point I was already pretty hammered. I'd decided for some reason to smoke a large joint before Big Business: stupid idea. I was a bit too spaced out to get the best from this set, but it was really very good anyway. Their music makes a lot more sense to me when it's not seguing into the Melvins' set - sonically it stands up better when it's not immediately juxtaposed with something more powerful. That's nothing against them - the Melvins are just bigger than Big Business in sound, performance, numbers and noise levels (much of that can be attributed, ironically, to the Business boys themselves...)

During that set, Dubya was wandering a bit. Maybe he'd had too much to drink. It was only 6.30pm, but it's easily done when the music goes on for over twelve hours each day, at least six of those hours stretching out far beyond the edges of the average Bad Hangover. Net result: three full days of self-flagellation and broken promises Never To Do This To Myself Again!

I think I missed the beginning of The Locust due to Dubya staggering around the fish & chip shop irritating random people and trying to seduce the blonde girl at the Spirits trailer, but what I did see was quite masterful. They are in total control, unique and skilled, with inimitable stage presence. I knew not one single note of what they played, but it didn't matter. People were pretty lively, I heard, but I don't remember much violence.

I'd seen ISIS the night before and loved it, this was even better. The sound was dead on from the start and the new song stood out as particularly awesome. A lot of people I spoke to decamped to Zu instead, who were apparently amazing. I'm sure they were, but in all honesty I was never going to miss Isis for anybody, Melvins included (though luckily it didn't come to that). Friday night was the 7th time I've seen them. One of the best bands on the planet.

Meat Puppets next, I enjoyed it. I'm new to them (except for the Nirvana MTV Unplugged covers) and I was wondering if the more "country" material would be too tame, but it comes across more forcefully live and the three-piece lineup were well balanced, experienced and very good players.

Decisions needed to be made over what could have been Time-Clash Of The Fest: Os Mutantes and Porn. Although I now know Porn's set included Thurston Moore and Brent Hinds among the usual suspects, Os Mutantes were the trump card of the whole festival. I've loved this band for a year or so and was overjoyed to see them added to the lineup. I had never guessed Patton would be such a fan, although it makes sense that these guys might have been just as much of an inspiration for 'Disco Volante' as, say, The Mothers of Invention. Their original recordings are much more experimental than what comes across on the stage, where they are unable to recreate the Musique Concrete and the Big Band stuff. While it was just the Baptista brothers and some hired guns, the whole show was vibrant and amazing. Sparkly jackets, tights, capes, dreadlocked percussionists, vocal harmonies... it was a party. Mike Patton watched most of it from the wings, as did Dale & Jared a bit later on. Sergio Baptista is a very good, traditional-style guitar player and some of his solos were great. I danced around like a loon for the rest of the night and by the time I got back to the chalet I was a little worse for wear, standing on a chair shouting the (few) words to 'Bat Macumba' in a very cracked voice.

Saturday:

I started off thinking Junior Brown was just an old-fashioned R 'n' B & country player, but it took a while to sink in before I realised the music itself is far from simple. Some of the chord progressions were highly unusual. Had this guy been around in the 50s, he would be considered quite the oddball. Good stuff though, and the guitar/lap steel cross he uses is worth coming out for.

It was the third time I've seen Mastodon, and I staked my place by the sound desk to get the best mix in my ears. The fact that they were one guitarist down only emphasises quite how powerful they are at full strength, and while the performance and material (lots of 'Blood Mountain' and 'Leviathan', plus some new stuff) is strong, I know how this band can lay waste to a venue. They didn't, but it's not their fault really. Expecting them to be devastating and finding them merely excellent... well, that's hardly cause for concern.

The Melvins were reliably awesome. My first time hearing 'Nude...' material live didn't disappoint. 'The Kicking Machine' and 'Dog Island' were the winners from that album, with the bulk of 'Senile Animal' still sounding great alongside it. 'Tipping The Lion' was a welcome surprise. The slow one from 'Senile Animal' sounded nasty as fuck. Another Melvins show doesn't disappoint, what a surprise!

Next up, the Butthole Surfers and yes, Gibby was drunk as fuck but what do we expect anyway? The set was great, full of old classics and Paul Leary was particularly deranged. Gibby veered between having the crowd in stitches laughing and having them heckle him wildly. He picked up a Telecaster, muttering to the crowd something like "Try and visualise, if you can, me... being able to play the guitar" and lumbered about twanging discordant notes for two minutes before losing interest and putting it down. Irreverant and timeless, I'm glad I finally have a Butthole Surfers gig under my belt.

I was slightly disappointed by the lack of Dave Lombardo in Fantômas, but Dale Crover stepped up and delivered admirably. I know he's an awesome drummer, but Lombardo has the speed thing down perfectly and some Fantomas stuff is pretty frenetic. Anyway, they were brilliant - tight, eclectic, brutal in places. Patton commented graciously on the festival as a whole, saying he'd seen more amazing music in the last day and a half than in the last ten and half years and thanking ATP etc. He's a very compelling frontman to watch, and 'The Director's Cut' album itself came across like a sardonic rock opera. Most of the time I was watching Dale, though. He was probably the highlight of the set.

I spent the next two hours drinking and smoking too much in the chalet of some new friends Dubya had made, so I was quite leathered by 1am for Teenage Jesus & The Jerks' second set, but I somehow had a perfect view. Short, angular, pissed off and very committed, controlled and forceful. The drummer was particularly powerful for someone with only one actual drum to use. Lydia Lunch, Thurston Moore and Jim Something-less-pronounceable from The Bad Seeds have all been Pros for such a long time that they could possibly have approached this nasty, squalid old material in the wrong way. But no, it was very very good indeed. Lunch's post-Branca guitar noise was all but perfect.

After Teenage Jesus, more Ouzo happened to me and we bowled in to see Squarepusher en masse. This was truly the best set of the weekend by some margin. This guy can do anything. He has a melodic sensibility like no one else, and seems to be unerringly in love with the bass guitar because he has wrung more out of it than any other bass player I can think of, and continues to do so. If Buzzo is a bottomless pit of riffs (which he is), then Tom Jenkinson is a bottomless pit of ideas. It's not like he's never made any filler, but who can hold that against him? The 'Just A Souvenir' material is a major departure from his usual stuff, but the rock riffs and drummer work brilliantly. The live drums are also an asset when the set gets to the inevitable 'Come On My Selector', it's "let the bass kick" drop was the singular high point of the weekend for me.

The rest of the night is lost to uncertainty. After heading back to the chalet of our new friends, I remember making a go at finishing the Ouzo while watching 'Goodfellas' over many animated and unsober conversations, failing, and hauling myself home at what must have been at least 5am.

Sunday:

My terrible hangover was only slightly lifted by Joe Lally. I love Fugazi and Ataxia, but Joe is an unassuming performer of subtle alternative rock music, and I had nothing to really grab at at a time when that was desperately needed.

I caught a bit of Leila as well but she was having terrible sound problems. Hardcore digital clipping. Not pleasant. I was with Tim Cementimenal, and he said "It would have been fine if it was just that sound."

I sat around feeling sorry for myself for a while, then grabbed J (who had been awake about thirty-six hours by this point) and headed for Monotonix. I won't go too far into it as I'm sure people have talked a lot about this band already. I decided to forego the bar and head into the melee. It was impossible to see what was going on, occasionally you'd see a guitar neck poking out from somewhere in the crowd. The vocalist shoved past me occasionally, on his way to climbing the walls & railings or hanging from the ceiling. You couldn't tell where the band were most of the time. Bits of drum kit were being passed along, played by members of the crowd. I was looking for the guitarist when I saw a swelling of people coming towards me, and I got out of the way to find the whole band moving their gig to right in front of the sound desk. After a while the vocals cut out and the drums had been dispersed. The gig appeared to be over. I decided to go outside and look for my mate in the smoking area but there were hundreds of people blocking the doors. I phoned him up and he said he was "outside, watching the gig". We filtered out, hearing wild cheers from outside. By the time I got out the door, the band pushed past me and back inside with whatever instruments they still had hold of. The gig was now over.

Another period of self-pity followed. It was imperative I didn't get drunk or stay up too late as we had to check out at 10am. Dälek are, and were, brilliant. They had two more collaborators adding sound manipulations and contributing to the general Industrial Brick Wall Noise the duo are well-known for. They remain the only hip-hop act I've ever truly enjoyed because the music itself is so strong and effective. I don't listen to anything purely on the strength of its lyrics, and most hip-hop backing tracks sound like just that. Aside from a few tasteful examples I can think of (and my knowledge is pretty basic), it just sounds tepid, uninspired and cheesy. Dälek are one of those examples.

Melvins again, and I actually detected a little rhythmic sloppiness in the middle of this set. It didn't really deter much though, and once again the latest two records got the lion's share of the setlist. 'Boris' was the real high point of their two performances, with the ending part of 'Eye Flys' running a close second. That's not me being elitist about their old material (although 'Oven' or 'Antitoxidote' would have been nice), those songs are just their most crowd-flattening. Buzzo finished off with a minimalist rendition of 'Okee From Muskogee' while Jared crowd-surfed and assaulted a roadie who was then finished off by Dale creeping back on the stage to drag him away. Not a real assault, but tell me you wouldn't feel a little raped with Jared straddling you in front of thousands of people, harmonising a country song.

Contrary to most people, I enjoyed The Damned. 'Love Song' and 'New Rose' were worth staying for, and I found their eclecticism enjoyable. They have a big sonic range that packed a lot of clout, what with the keyboards and Captain Sensible's very fat-sounding Gibson SG.

After this, we went back to our friends' chalet. Ben from Reading had been sitting around all day in his poncho, resigned to not seeing anything at all as he'd overindulged so much the previous night. Not for me though: rousing myself for a final push of adrenaline, I walked in mid-Double Negative and immediately rushed straight to the pit. What can I say? They know hardcore punk rock, and they know it well. Completely fantastic. They ended with Minor Threat's "Seeing Red".

Finally, another great Squarepusher set, though slightly eclipsed by the previous night. I managed to get to the front, where a very inebriated individual was propped against the barrier with his head bowed. He somehow managed to nod the affirmative whenever the security asked him if he was okay, but would then zone out again. Eventually I decided enough was enough and, through succinct hand signals that would have been far beyond the capabilities of my sober self, conspired with another reveller to quickly hoist the comatose raver over the barrier and drop him on the other side so we could take his place. Outstanding success, much high-fiving ensued.

Checking out in the morning was a semi-conscious affair, and we were two hours away before I realised my denim jacket was still at Butlins. And so the weekend ends with me grumbling, swearing and frowning into a sub-par Service Station toad-in-the-hole, or maybe it ends later on that day, after a long detour, in the square of a sloping Cotswolds village drinking coffee and preparing for the home stretch.

(Photos to follow - mine didn't come out.)

My problem with HxC is that I'm not very HxC (on purpose)

Five or six years ago my town of High Wycombe was on the gigging circuit for a lot of decent UK Hardcore bands - people like Knuckledust, Underrule, Diction, Special Move, Unite, BDF etc. A handful of people I knew would attend, some locals I didn't know would invariably be around, but mostly the crowd were followers and friends of the bands themselves. Usually they'd have come out from London. I liked the music we saw and heard - I still do. The last couple of decent hardcore shows to roll through Wycombe were the USHC bands Throwdown and Terror, the latter being the White Horse landlord Paul's last gig in charge of the pub. After that the UKHC gigs dried up, aside from a few bands playing at the largely Punk Rock-inclined Pass Out nights.

About two years ago a friend of mine, ex-Owing To This (who had captured a moment very successfully in the scene some years before), started a UKHC band with some younger members. After six months or so, they hit their stride and suddenly I was at one of their shows, standing at the edge of the biggest crowd of Hardcore kids I'd seen outside of London in nearly half a decade. It was far more violent than I remembered and though the music was still as spiteful as it was before, the fans seemed more vicious. This was more ominous than the videos of snarling, spitting, cartoonish Punk Rockers from the '77 First Wave.

Since then I've witnessed the UKHC scene accelerate through Wycombe again, riling up its youngsters as it passes by. I was never a die-hard follower, but I've lost something of the connection I once had with it. I find it hard to become enraged, indignant and territorial on cue. In fact, in the years since I left school I've tried to actively avoid those mindsets. The genre still appeals to me because I like angry, fast, and heavy, but I've never felt right standing on stage screaming at The Enemy without also screaming at Myself in the same breath for the sake of fair balance. These kids are making good music and they mean it, but they appear to me as a pack of wolves sometimes, and I doubt that individually they are as headstrong and righteous as their group catharsis would suggest.

Some of it is shamelessly Tough Guy and irksomely Preachy, too. Maybe that's a simpler reason why I'm not so moved by it all any more - I am not a Tough Guy, or a Preacher. I'm as wrong as I am right, ultimately, as is everyone.